Standing calmly with hands folded,
Resting on one foot, am comfortably moulded,
Shriek sounds and hustling voices,
Staggering crowd and loud noises,
There was one sight accompanied with plight,
Dogs, cows and there laid men together spending night,
Foggy days and nights are colder,
For hours babies rested on mother's shoulder,
One could only hear whistles blow & see nothing come,
Signs of restlessness emerged on faces some,
Few stood aloof sipping tea,
Glanced their watches in a spree,
On this whole earth i could identify one more place,
Where rich and poor walked with same pace,
Faces lovely and those not so pretty walked along,
To say time prefers none, here would not be wrong,
Resting on one foot, am comfortably moulded,
Shriek sounds and hustling voices,
Staggering crowd and loud noises,
There was one sight accompanied with plight,
Dogs, cows and there laid men together spending night,
Foggy days and nights are colder,
For hours babies rested on mother's shoulder,
One could only hear whistles blow & see nothing come,
Signs of restlessness emerged on faces some,
Few stood aloof sipping tea,
Glanced their watches in a spree,
On this whole earth i could identify one more place,
Where rich and poor walked with same pace,
Faces lovely and those not so pretty walked along,
To say time prefers none, here would not be wrong,
6 comments:
I can c the deapth in this poem..... iwould say with every new poem of yours you are making me your fan and this one has made me go fida opn you
Garchu
Very good work brother, but I was disappointed by the end.
The lines
"On this whole earth i could identify one more place,
Where rich and poor walked with same pace,
Faces lovely and those not so pretty walked along,
To say time prefers none, here would not be wrong,"
they are so subtle and so well written, I wish u wld have ended the poem thr. The last two lines seem to be forced, perhaps by the need and requirement of the rhyme.
At the first glance when I found the existence of rhyme in the poem, my initial reaction was that of doubt. I was not sure if the theme and its essence can be portrayed well by limiting oneself to rhymes. But i think u did very well, the rhyme heightens the subtleness of the poem. For eg.
"One could only hear whistles blow & see nothing come,
Signs of restlessness emerged on faces some,"
is beautifully rhyming and conveying in soothing manner the night scene at a typical railway platform. The best part was that the rhyme doesnt seem to forced at all,, which is perhaps the reason why I didnt like the last lines as rhyming seemd to be forced and message of self-realization that u talk abt in those lines comes across as a trite as it is not in sync with the subtle manner the poem carries throughout.
Having said all this, I still feel its a very good poem indeed, good work, keep it up :)
Hi,
It gives me a deja vu of having gone through the poem already. May be you posted it earlier or the title is resued. Anyway!
The pace of the poem is very nice and suits well the idea with it. The silent, calm and peaceful atmosphere and the deep delved thoughts around. I didn't like the title though. You could've chosen some stereotypical thought instead of being so plain.
Standing calmly with hands folded,
Resting on one foot, am comfortably moulded,
Picturesque
...
and so is the rest of the poem. I would, however, like to point some minor details (goes like a minority report).
On this whole earth i could identify one more place,
Where rich and poor walked with same pace,
You've hit at a very delicate idea but I believe you've given it away so easily. The transition from the earlier tranquil description to a sudden change of mood was not handled so smoothly. You are being thoughtful but the portrayal is a a bit weak and that's the way the actual idea gets weakened. I'm sure you can work that out.
To sum it up: very nice poem and nice rhythm.
hey man...
t'ws gud enuf...beatiful flow n rythm...
bt yeah i wud agree wid shashank...
the last two lines shudnt hav been der at all...it really seemed forcd der....
also d title too wsnt dat conspicious n eye-catching......cud hv been better definitely.....
leaving all dis apart.......t'ws lyk "with both feet on the ground"...i mean to say very realistic n sensible....simple bt truly amazing.....!!!
all in all ..gr8 work..!!
The poem's elaborative enough and has enough particulars to make up a visual. But I think you have not done anything with this visual. Due to this I think the poem does not get the ending that it could have got.
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